Racing the Sun

Don't let your eyes refuse to see
Don't let your ears refuse to hear
Or you ain't never going to shake this sense of sadness
I could hold you in my arms
I could hold on forever
And I could hold you in my arms
I could hold ( forever )

Merry Christmas!

( For Ethan )

( Left for Connor at her place )

( Left for Ollie )

( Mailed to Chase )

Oh hey bandwagon! Let's hop on!

I voted yesterday. (I think)

I'd like to point out that the above is just a joke. Since nobody seems to have a sense of humor anymore.

Anyway.

There's been a lot of talk and I really don't know where to start. First of all, yeah, I'm not working at Saturday Night Live anymore. What my agent wants me to say is that they are all incredibly talented people and it was a mutual decision and I wish them all the best. But ummmm, I really don't. Anyone who actually watches SNL knows that as of late it has been shit on toast, and I was the only person bringing that up in meetings. And apparently if you bruise Lorne Michaels' fragile ego, he accuses you of having a drinking problem to make him look like less of a prick.

Whatever. Be sure to look around here soon for standup tour dates and information on where you can see JUNO (which will begin filming right after Thanksgiving, and is something I wrote) annnnd Running With Scissors, which begins production right after the new year, and in which I will be playing a moderately sized role. You can also check out the blog archives to see some of my stuff for EW, and read more as I write monthly. See? I haven't fallen off the face of the earth, I'm not lying face down in a puddle of my own alcoholism induced vomit- I am working. A lot actually. Just not for the egocentric facists at NBC. In the words of darryl hammond via sean connery- "suck on THAT, trebek!"

In personal news, I recently broke up with my girlfriend and now my roomate is moving out to pursue bigger and better things. Why on earth he would want to live with like... 8 smelly guys and dogs over one very cute girl and a cat, is beyond me. But Chump Change has new stuff coming out soon, so be on the lookout. Since they are most definitely the coolest band you aren't listening to, but probably should.

Also. I dyed my hair red. It's pretty hot tamale-tastic.

And finally, on the global scale. We all took the Barack kool-aid and liked it, Elizabeth Hasselback. I drink your kool-aid. I drink it up! Sllllurp? Anyway. And while that is a step in the right direction, all I have to say about OTHER current events is, whatthefuck California? Guess it's a good thing I fucking hate Los Angeles and never plan to be married there. Aren't you supposed to be a blue state? You know, blue. Level headed. Normal. Cool. Liberal. Arnold Schwartznegger will not be invited to anymore queer eye for the straight guy parties anymore, that's for sure. Florida is the real shocker though. Did all those beautiful glorious trannies sleep through election day? What happened?! Black president. No gay marriage. I guess we have a few more years of struggling/complaining before we get our way, kids.

Anyway, I'm on the road with my hetero-life mate and my laptop battery is running low. But before I go I give you:

( pictures I took! )

So. To mark the one year anniversary of the best youtube video ever (apparently), I will be reprising the ONE big role I have had on SNL to date. By playing Chris Crocker.

( I really don't think I look like him haha )

My grandmother had the worst taste in clothes. Okay so part of that was because we were poor, but part of that was for her own amusement I think. When I was six she actually sent me out of the house to play at the park with my brother in a- are you ready- hot pink velour pant suit. I swear to god she must have waited til I was out the door and then killed herself laughing. "I can't believe she put it on!"

It's okay. Twelve years later when I told her I was a lesbian, I blamed it on the pant suit.



I love that joke. It gets the best reaction every time I tell it. I usually place it mid way through my set, after I've won people over with other jokes. And depending on where I am, people either laugh a lot, or, if I'm somewhere a bit more midwestern- you know, the red states, I tend to get blank stares. Terrified looks. It's like... if you're gay.... and we were laughing at you.... does that make us... ow.

But that's comedy isn't it? Pushing the boundaries? Making people laugh and maybe, if you're doing your job, making them think? Needless to say with all those boundaries I was pushing I spent my fair share of time in trouble when I was younger. But it was all worth it for those laughs.

Anyway, I'm Ramona Fisher, and you probably haven't heard of me. But you've probably laughed at me in some ridiculous costume on SNL, aka my preferred method of paying my rent. Don't get me wrong, it's a pretty great job to have, and it's amazing to be stepping into the shoes of Jane Curtin and Gilda Radner and Molly Shannon, and sometimes we do great work, but more often than not SNL has become a bit more low brow than I like. I like to think my standup act is a bit more edgy and thought provoking. Then again I'm as much a narcissist as the next girl. So that could be complete bullshit.

So maybe you've seen me on SNL, maybe you've read my column in Rolling Stone, where I relate life to the best music lyrics you've never heard, or maybe you've seen me with my "special friend" connor in the tabloids. don't even get me started on that. She's my best friend and she's gorgeous, but come on. We've been friends since middle school. It's pretty fantastic that we're both so successful and still friends. Most friendships get ruined over things like that. I like to think we are the matt damon and ben affleck of new york ladies if matt and ben slept together...

Or maybe you've never heard of me at all. I don't like to assume people read magazines or stay up late to watch crappy TV, or that that would even make me a celebrity. Maybe you're just sitting in your PJ's net surfing and you came across my VERY sexy face and want to say hello. Or you'd like to know where all the happening clam bakes are in the big apple. In any event, you've come to the right place. Plus, again it could just be my narcissism, but I'm kind of a nice, funny person to be around. Or at the very least drink/make out with.

ramonasaurus rex. Text me anytime. But please, no autographs.

Why do you let me stay here All by myself?
Why don't you come and play here?
I'm just sitting on the shelf
Why don't you sit right down and stay a while?
We like the same things and I like your style
It's not a secret
Why do you keep it?
I'm just sitting on the shelf
I've gotta get your presents
Let's make it known
I think you're just so pleasant
I would like you for my own
Why don't you sit right down and make me smile?
You make me feel like I am just a child
Why do you edit?
Just give me( credit )

I'm just sitting on the shelf